Recurrence CHEMOTHERAPY
In April 2022, my cancer markers CA-125 had crossed the normal value and with a PET scan we found that the beast was back. The cancer had spread to the lymph nodes near the chest.
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The days that followed were horrendous. My oncologist added another oncologist who is well versed with clinical trials to my care team. My abdomen area was clear there was no cancer there. My doctors weren't sure if my cancer in the lymph nodes was even ovarian cancer. It's rare that ovarian cancer spreads to mediastinal lymph nodes but it's possible. They gave me 2 options - one to do a surgery to remove the lymph node and do biopsy on that to identify the cancer, two to start treatment for ovarian cancer. We went with the first option because it made sense to find out what cancer it is before we start the treatment . If it is lung cancer or lymphoma (lymph node cancer) then ovarian cancer treatment won't work for it. There are chances that you could get secondary cancers like that.
I had the surgery to remove the right superior mediastinal lymph node on July 18,2022. Met with a wonderful thoracic surgeon. I had requested the thoracic surgeon to schedule my surgery after Ryan's birthday so that worked out well. My surgery went well.
My biggest fear was the thought of loosing my hair again. During the frontline chemo, it was such a traumatic experience not only for me but also for kids, their mother without hair. My hair had barely grown, and I was just starting to put pony tails again, was just starting to feel like myself again!. It was horrifying to even to think about pain and the side effects. There were days when I didn't want to get up from my bed thinking of this, was so depressed just even thinking about it, thinking about the traumatic experience that I already went through.
On August 27th, 2022, a month after my lymph node surgery, I started my chemotherapy for recurrence. The chemotherapy drugs that were used was Carboplatin and Doxil (Doxorubicin). I was apprehensive about this chemo treatment because of Doxil. It has an infamous nickname called 'The Red Devil' due to its red color and its toxicity. It is one of the strongest drugs that are available today. The common side effects of this drug are heart issues and sores/ rashes throughout your body.
I had 6 cycles of chemo, one every 4 weeks. Since Covid restrictions were relaxed, Roshan was able to come with me for my doctor appointments and infusions. He used to ice my hands and feet so that I wouldn't get sores/neuropathy. By God's grace and mercy, this chemo wasn't that bad like the frontline chemo. I used to be fatigued the first week after chemo, next 3 weeks used to be ok. 'Red Devil' was no match to the Holy Spirit. I didn't have that much toxicity like they said I would have. Had lot of pigmentation - my body color turned extremely dark and I lost a lot of weight.
Last day of chemo,. My nurse gave me a bouquet of flowers
Divine Experience
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On September 7th, 2022 (10 days after my first chemo), a friend sent me the link to watch live stream of the Qurbana (service) and nadathurakkal. I have only heard about it. I have never been to the Manarcard church during that time. I was extremely happy that I could watch it live online. I could see that the church was so crowded, tightly packed with people they cannot even move an inch. I casted it on to the TV and was praying the whole time. As soon as the nada (Holy Portrait of Mother Mary) was opened, I felt a super strong force, like a magnetic force/electro magnetic like force all over me. If I turn away I didn't feel it but every time I looked at Mother Mary's face I experienced the strong force all over me. I promise I'm not making this up. The power was coming from Mother Mary's image! The feeling or the power that I felt is indescribable. It was so strong that it made me to cry like crazy because I always wanted to experience the power of God like a vision or a feeling.
Back in India, when I have attended retreats or large evangelical meetings I have seen people fall down when the priest or pastors pray but I have never had a physical experience so I was really elated that Mother Mary gave me this beautiful and unforgettable experience.
Image of my TV screen when I watching the live stream
Had an amazing experience while I was watching Manacard Church's (St.Mary's Jacobite Syrian Cathedral, Manarcad) live stream of nadathurakkal (opening of Holy portrait of Mother Mary). The covered portrait of Holy Mother with child Jesus in her hand kept in the sanctum sanctorum is opened on 7th September and closed on 14th September every year. It's kept open for a week. Viewing this portrait is considered to be a source of blessing. Thousands of people near and far, of all religions visit the church during this time to pray for their needs and to seek blessings.
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This is the close up of the portrait that is opened during nadathurakkal. This image is the screenshot that I took when they showed the close up.
RECHARGING BATTERY
This is my experience of the bible verse Psalm 94:18-19. Wrote this to share my experience with my friends.
Do you want to recharge your batteries like how we recharge our mobile? Just like the devices, we need to be charged from time to time, to gain back power, to have the strength to face the problems/challenges that we face and to experience happiness in our life's journey. Sharing one of my instances of recharging my battery that happened in September 2022.
My 2nd chemo was on Sep 22nd. I was in a horrible state from the day of my chemo to September 30th. Had extreme fatigue as a side effect of chemo and to top that was the news that my cancer markers went 4 times higher than the previous value. The highest it has ever been till date 🙄. My fatigue 🥱 was such that I couldn't even lift my head and I was sleeping the whole time. I was extremely sad, I was so done with CANCER, its side effects and all my treatments ðŸ˜. I was so ready to go back HOME, picturing myself in a casket in church at my funeral🥺😫.
On Friday, September 30th I attended MMVS Friday Fasting Prayer. Bava Thirumeni gave the devotional message that day. It was Bava Thirumeni's message that revived me. My battery 🔋 was 🔌charged to 100% from an empty state. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like God speaking to me that day.
The part from Thirumeni's devotional message that resonated with me was the explanation of Psalm 34 and about Paul's writing in 2 Corinthians 12 about 'Thorn in Flesh'. Psalms 34 reminded me and made me think of all the challenges I had to face during my life and how God helped me overcome those challenges every time and blessed me abundantly. Verses 2 Corinthians 12: 7 - 10 says
7 even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore,so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me—so that I would not become arrogant.8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."
Thirumeni explained that Paul's Thorn in Flesh was probably some sickness he had. He prayed to God to cure him but God didn't do that. Instead he said "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” That's when I thought, my Cancer might be my thorn in flesh and I might have to deal with it throughout my life just like Paul.
Since Saturday October 1, I began to feel better.. I started getting my strength back and was able to function a little better.. had much more energy. I made poori and chole for breakfast for my family on Saturday 😄. Kids were so happy to eat mama cooked breakfast...most of all they were all happy to see me walking around 🥰. The next 2 weeks went without many side-effects. I still had sleep issues where I am wide awake the whole night and sleep during the day. But after I woke up I could function normally so I was really enjoying and cherishing those days. Had fun going out with friends - movie, dandiya and get-togethers. I haven't done any of those in a really long, long time. Since my frontline chemo treatment, I used to hate going anywhere in crowds or for parties/get-togethers coz of various reasons - pain due to spine issues, chemo brain(it is real!!) and a lot more. I always stayed at home except when we went on a vacation with just the four of us.
After hearing the message I was able to come out of my depressive state to experience happiness and joy. What I experienced was exactly what is written in Psalms 94:18-19.
When I said, “My foot is slipping”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Youtube link with Thirumeni's message
When meditating about Psalm 34 I found this link to have an explanation for Psalm very close to what Thirumeni explained.
https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/psalm-34/
I had a great burden to share to praise and glorify God just like David did in Psalms 34 and in case anyone needs to hear this just like I needed.
God was constantly reminded me that he knows everything about us even before we were even born. He formed us, gave us life. Everything about us is written in the book of life.
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Cancer was already preplanned in my journey or without God allowing it would never happen. God knows every detail about me — my likes/dislikes, characteristics, locations, family, and just everything. God knows how many hairs are on my head.
Mathew 10:26-31 says
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”
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Isaiah 46:4 says
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"Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
