DARK SIDE
You HAVE CANCER!
The words "You have cancer" are some of the most dreadful words anyone could ever hear. Millions of people have lost their lives to this dreadful disease so hearing these immediately feels like a death sentence. Those three words changes your life forever! In a moment, your world is turned upside down. You hear all the time of people being diagnosed with cancer but I never thought I would have to go through this. I'm someone who did my physicals every year without fail. My numbers were all perfect. I was a little over weight due to pregnancy and child birth but not a whole lot. I have always been thin my entire life. My immediate family doesn't have a history of cancer.
I try to eat healthy as much as possible. I never thought I would have to face something like this. Those three words messed me up completely. It seems as though all those things that you learned your entire life was wrong. I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. I don't know what is healthy and unhealthy anymore. If it was food that caused cancer then there are other people I know who eats much unhealthier than me so it really doesn't seem fair!
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PANDORA's BOX OF TROUBLES
When we all think about a disease we know that you will be down for a lit bit and then back to normal life. If you have fever or even a surgery once you recover you are back to your normal life. Not with cancer! Cancer is like opening pandora's box of troubles. Chemotherapy brings all kinds of sicknesses. Have you ever seen whack a mole game? You push one pin down another pops up and so on. It's been like that. When one sickness becomes better another pops up. It's been never ending side effects and sicknesses.
GRIEVING
Date of diagnosis marked the devastating disruption on my timeline, where I crossed the line of no return, with no going back to my normal life. I don't know what that 'normal' is anymore. It feels like my life has stood 'still' like a rock in the middle of the river where everything around me is moving on.
I am mourning the loss of my past self...just everything about me!! I miss taking care of home and kids, working, going to church, hanging out with friends, wearing nice dresses, hosting beautiful parties, dancing, making beautiful cakes, teaching the little kids in Sunday school....just EVERYTHING. For the past 3 years, my normal life is just surgeries, treatments, tests, pain and more pain!! I look 'normal' but there is not a single day when I'm not in pain, sick and fatigued or tired of being sick. I go through the different stages of grieving process that every cancer patient goes through- pain, denial, anger, grief and acceptance